So you want to be metal? Being “metal” isn’t as easy as it seems. You need to be a certain breed of asshole if you want to be a super cool metal head. Normal, run of the mill, metal heads are some of the best people are around. But then it quickly degenerates to hype beasts that are constantly jumping from trend to trend in the realm of metal. This post isn’t about how to be a general metal head, because that is very simple: listen to metal and be happy. No, this post is about how to evolve into that advanced stage of dick that will make almost no one envy you.
Step 1: Know the trends
This means that you have to current on what is currently trending in the world of metal on the asshole scene. For example, Djent is pretty much done trending so you can stop liking that. My analysis shows that ignorant hardcore is the new thing right now if you want to be on the cutting edge of “cool” metal. Bands like Nails, Xibalba, and No Zodiac are what you should be listening to right now if you want to be cool. Now a lot of people legitimately like these bands and these bands do make good music. But if you want to instantly level up your cool factor, just say you like these bands. Bonus points: find bands that sound like Nails, etc. that no one has heard of through YouTube suggested videos and take your rep to another level.
*note: Obscure black metal is also trending right now. You can take all the principles being taught to you and apply them to this genre as well.
Step 2: Merch
To be cool your merch game has to be TIGHT. You are going to need some windbreakers that say sweet things on them. Windbreakers are the shit right now. Snapbacks are dead, don’t do that. Band beanies, however, very in. And if you get t-shirts, make sure they say cool shit. Here are some example of v dope merch.
This Nails shirt has the right idea. “Wield the blade, pierce with hate.” Simple, yet totally misanthropic. (also, remember how I said black metal is also trending? Check out how the font Nails use is a total rip off of the Burzum font (Burzum is considered to be an OG black metal band and the cool factor associated with them is off the charts)). MIND BOTTLING.
Check this sweet Xibalba beanie. Oh, hey, does that font look familiar?
Also, cool merch is an easy way to impress people. Someone will ask, “Hey, what band is that on your shirt?” And you can go on a fifteen minute tirade about how you know the coolest most obscure bands and how dangerous you are for liking said bands.
Step 3: Go to shows
Now, this just means simply “go.” It doesn’t matter if you enjoy it or not, whether you mosh or not, or if you just stand in the back. Just go. That way you can tell everyone how you saw No Zodiac in a 100 cap venue and it was “so brutal and thug.” Talking about shows is something you must get used to if you want to be cool. When two cool metal heads are having a “cool off” they will often share stories of the most obscure/special show they have ever been too. Don’t whip your most awesome show right away, you want to have something to one-up your opponent. To have the right ammunition you need to go to as many shows as you can. Even though you’ll probably be outside smoking Parliament Lights the whole time, you can still say you went and it was awesome.
Step 4: Hate Everything Else
You must learn how to condescend properly. When other people tell you that their favorite metal band is Mastodon, you must have the correct arsenal of scoffs, sighs, and looks to smother the person with. Only the genre you like is right and true. You must internalize this mantra. You must be one with the ignorance. You’ll know you’re doing it right and have achieved the top level of “cool” when you have no friends remaining or no one wants to talk about music with you.
That’s about it. And remember, while you undergo your transformation, you can never seem like you are having fun. Scowls are totally hardcore and show how your life is absent of all happiness and therefore you are brutal and lovely. Get fucked.